The hardest person for me to forgive is me.

 

green, rock and feather (2)

It’s been 15 years since my sin of omission. During the rebound from hell, I wasn’t myself. I should never have been in that unhealthy relationship right after the divorce. I fell into a pit of codependence- deeper that I would have imagined possible for the strong, intelligent woman I once was.

During that year, I neglected my children. Not in the legal sense. Their basic needs were met. They were physically safe. But I should have spent more time with them instead of groping for the false sense of worth that ended up in loss of self. The sin of omission was not against my children, but against someone I never met. I did not speak up about an injustice. Granted, making things right was a long shot. I didn’t witness the injustice, and I didn’t know names. It was something I heard about that happened hundreds of miles away. I would have had to investigate. I would have had to be sneaky in asking questions. I would have jeopardized the relationship that I should not have been in in the first place. If he realized what I was trying to do, he’d be mad at me. And I knew in my gut that he and his friends were not safe. Later, I told him that knowing what had happened bothered me. The relationship ended soon after that.

God forgives people for way worse things than my sin of omission. Everything I have learned tells me that God forgives me. Why is it so hard for me to forgive myself? I’ll tell you why. Because I’m supposed to be better than that. I’m supposed to be stronger than that deer in the headlights who didn’t ask questions.

I am much stronger now. Today, I would ask questions like an undercover detective. But I wasn’t strong 15 years ago. It’s a fact that I have to accept. I was wounded, weak, and afraid – a secret train wreck.

Perhaps I can have compassion for that deer in the headlights. Compassion feels closer  than forgiveness. I have compassion for the moths that I trap in my bathroom and release outside. Why not for myself?

I’ll start with compassion. Compassion for all. Including me.

This long process of forgiveness was inched forward by this  Rumi poem I found when I was ready at https://maverickmist.com/2017/05/06/be-earth/

How should Spring bring forth a garden on hard stone?
Become earth, that you may grow flowers of many colors.
For you have been heart-breaking rock.
Once, for the sake of experiment, be earth!
Rumi

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7 thoughts on “The hardest person for me to forgive is me.

  1. You know JoAnna you are not alone in this… I think on any level of experience we go through we are hardest upon our selves.. Thinking we should have known better, or could have done something better, We take on so many burdens that we hold inside us.. That is often born of guilt..
    Reaching inside of ourselves is something each of us has to do.. We are all of us little children at heart.. And we need to reach into our Inner child.. Hold them and say its OK.. and just love them.. When we do that.. and hold them and say its ok to cry and let it all go..
    We begin our inner healing journey..
    This is what is happening to many I now speak to .. So its ok.. For it was all part of our learning journey..
    Sending Love and Hugs my friend.. I hope you reach deep down and pull her out and tell it is OK… And there really is nothing to forgive.. ❤ ❤

  2. Always. A good conscience is an excellent learning tool, if we move on better for it. Don’t dwell too much there. You did what felt right at the time. You were in pain and trying to feel better. That’s human. Please forgive yourself as you would forgive a friend. We have all made bad decisions and we cannot change them. It’s all in the past. We can only keep going, keep doing better. We will make more bad decisions, but they’ll be different ones. The future is full of promise we might not recognize if we keep holding on to old pain. ❤

    • Thank you, Joey. Sometimes I have too much conscience. The suggestion to forgive myself as I would forgive a friend is very helpful. I will remember that. ❤

  3. I get this…all of it, JoAnna. And I’m sure just about everyone on the planet gets it. The key, i think, is to feel the feelings and then move on by feeling the love that comes from your soul. I recently had a huge awakening about something I had never forgiven myself for. Wow…what a feeling when I was finally able to walk through that pain and guilt. I wish for you sweet peace that comes from the inside…beautiful feelings of love and forgiveness. I can feel your pain and wish you the release. Much love 💛💚

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