The Long and Winding Road of Becoming Me

She thew away her masks and put on her soul

First, I wanted to be a veterinarian

and save the whales

Or maybe a biologist

and save the world.

But way before that,

I was an artist.

I could draw dogs and horses

All day long.

No one taught me this.

I just did it.

And people said I was a good.

I loved to write,

And make up stories in my head.

But I didn’t value those stories much.

I didn’t value my drawings and paintings

As much as I wanted to save the planet

But trigonometry hurt my brain.

So I ended up in the mind field.

Fixing me more than anyone else.

While God helped me

Help people

Save themselves.

And taught me things

I needed to learn

About saving time for me.

Along the way,

I’ve saved dogs,

I’ve saved cats,

I’ve saved trees,

And  God saved me some time.

Because the long and winding road

Never disappears.

It always lead me back to my roots

Back to the work of my soul.



I love how this song can be about anything we want to come back home to.


The Rebound from Hell

dark forest

I walked carefully into the valley at first.

Then I felt the high of the buck’s smooth touch.

So, I danced with the buck in the valley of shadow

Ignoring the darkness behind his laughter.

Then the darkness came out of hiding

And a voice told me to run,

But I lingered a while

Forgetting my worth

Til the darkness blew me away.

At first I prayed to the light

that the buck would outrun his shadow

Or at least at least that his light would grow bright enough

To fill up his heart with peace.

But mostly I prayed for the wisdom

To keep myself out of darkness

Ignoring the memories of a buck’s smooth touch

So my light can outshine my shadow.

God's hand with sun coming through

I wrote this many years ago at the end of the year long rebound from hell. About a month after it was over for good, I felt like I was waking up from a nightmare. I couldn’t believe I had allowed myself to be swallowed so deeply into co-dependence.

But, in time, I learned to love myself again. I remembered my worth. I knew I didn’t need to settle for someone who added so much stress to my life.

I knew God loved me deeply and profoundly and that God had a plan.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11

Love and Equality

What I love about this message, from “Digital Romance,” is that it doesn’t say the other person’s happiness is more important. Sometimes it is more important, and sometimes our own happiness is more important. In a healthy relationship, it’s not always about the other person. That’s co-dependency. In a healthy relationship there is balance. We take turns. We help each other. We support each other. We listen to each other. And we listen to ourselves, too.

Love is equal

A little less aptitude

As I get older, I’m becoming less tolerant of BS, aka drama, and unnecessary suffering. Doing things for the approval of others or because “I’m supposed to” has gotten really old. I can imagine how having a chronic illness like MS would bring this realization on faster than my almost 60 years have. Good for you, for honoring your priorities! I love this post!


One funny thing that’s been happening to me since I was diagnosed with MS is that I’ve been growing more and more intolerant to suffering. Not just me: I’ve noticed friends of mine who either also deal with chronic illness or who have been face to face with life threatening situations also tend to turn their backs more often at what’s making life a little unbearable, a little suffocating, a little boring, a little waste of time.

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Rebound From Hell

Celebrating my independence from co-dependence with this Stream of Consciousness Saturday Post.

Anything is Possible!


Is it really better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all?

Well, considering the word, “never,” which I don’t like to use, then the answer would be yes. To have never loved at all, would be sad. But if we expand this question beyond romantic love, then who hasn’t loved some one or some thing?

In my post-divorce single years, trying to be cynical about love, I laughed out loud when I saw the following saying on T-shirt:

“It’s better to have loved and lost, than to live the rest of your life with a psychotic.”

I’m not saying my x husband suffered from psychosis. But my post-divorce rebound from hell probably did. Of course I didn’t know it when I met him. And neither did he. People are on their best behavior when we first meet them. And I was blinded by…

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Be Happy Now

When the time is right, child. When the time is right. Be happy now.

(Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go/ June 14: Letting Go of Timing)

I’m writing this at 11 pm on Sunday, June 14 following my plan to write and post on this blog when I feel like it. That’s part of loving me, too.

At around  5pm, my husband and I picked up a couple slices of pizza to go and headed for the beach, trying to hold on to the weekend. I’ve been longing to swim in the ocean for a couple weeks, knowing it was warm enough, but other things kept taking priority. Finally, this evening, we got there.

The water appeared almost turquoise from the beach. It was perfect for swimming: not much wave action, just cool enough on this hot day to be invigorating, and so clear, we could see our feet when immersed up to our chests.

A little later, the northeast sky reflected the pink sunset behind us, while  hints of lavender rested above the Atlantic horizon.

Sunset reflection june 14 2015 with big flat wave

I could not have asked for a better evening.

It wasn’t until we got home, just a little while ago, that I happened to pick up Melody Beattie’s book, The Language of Letting Go, Daily Meditations on Codepenency. I no longer read it every day, but there was a time when I had to, for my own survival. (This is my second copy. The first one fell apart after years of reading.)

When I read today’s meditation on letting go of timing, having faith that the things we long for will come when the time is right, I remembered how much this particular reading helped me through the lonely years – the years when I learned to have some faith.

The right partner came to me when the time was right. There are still things I hope for.   Those thing will come when the time is right too.

I am happy now.