The hardest person for me to forgive is me.

 

green, rock and feather (2)

It’s been 15 years since my sin of omission. During the rebound from hell, I wasn’t myself. I should never have been in that unhealthy relationship right after the divorce. I fell into a pit of codependence- deeper that I would have imagined possible for the strong, intelligent woman I once was.

During that year, I neglected my children. Not in the legal sense. Their basic needs were met. They were physically safe. But I should have spent more time with them instead of groping for the false sense of worth that ended up in loss of self. The sin of omission was not against my children, but against someone I never met. I did not speak up about an injustice. Granted, making things right was a long shot. I didn’t witness the injustice, and I didn’t know names. It was something I heard about that happened hundreds of miles away. I would have had to investigate. I would have had to be sneaky in asking questions. I would have jeopardized the relationship that I should not have been in in the first place. If he realized what I was trying to do, he’d be mad at me. And I knew in my gut that he and his friends were not safe. Later, I told him that knowing what had happened bothered me. The relationship ended soon after that.

God forgives people for way worse things than my sin of omission. Everything I have learned tells me that God forgives me. Why is it so hard for me to forgive myself? I’ll tell you why. Because I’m supposed to be better than that. I’m supposed to be stronger than that deer in the headlights who didn’t ask questions.

I am much stronger now. Today, I would ask questions like an undercover detective. But I wasn’t strong 15 years ago. It’s a fact that I have to accept. I was wounded, weak, and afraid – a secret train wreck.

Perhaps I can have compassion for that deer in the headlights. Compassion feels closer  than forgiveness. I have compassion for the moths that I trap in my bathroom and release outside. Why not for myself?

I’ll start with compassion. Compassion for all. Including me.

This long process of forgiveness was inched forward by this  Rumi poem I found when I was ready at https://maverickmist.com/2017/05/06/be-earth/

How should Spring bring forth a garden on hard stone?
Become earth, that you may grow flowers of many colors.
For you have been heart-breaking rock.
Once, for the sake of experiment, be earth!
Rumi

Letting Go of Resentment, Making Room for Love

rocks

 

“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” Carrie Fisher

 

It was easier to be angry

For the pretend power.

I would harden my heart

And never be hurt again.

Funny thing is,

I did get hurt again.

Anger covered up the pain

I kept trying to push away.

Anger grew and solidified

Into a boulder of resentment

So slippery, nothing could stick to it.

So big, no one could get passed it.

Not even me.

Until, I started to find me again,

And I started to like me again.

And then, I started to love me again.

And I prayed

For the willingness

To consider

That thing I couldn’t bring myself to say.

The F word.

Not just for those who hurt me,

But for me, too.

And willingness came

And blew away the dust and debris

Allowing the wind and the rain and the sun

To flow into the cracks

And work magic.

With time,

The boulder began to break apart

Opening a path for love

To make room

For something so much better.

 

Grace – Apply liberally and immedietly (and preferably before calling yourself a dumbass)

My friend Jana is learning to treat herself as well as she treats others. An important lesson!

The Beggar's Bakery

grace Whenever you consider excellent candidates for a liberal and immediate application of grace in your life,  imagine yourself here – the divine hand of God pointing straight at YOU. Now go forth and LOVE on that person to whom God is pointing. She deserves it!    (photo taken on a truly divine trip to Wimberley, TX – God’s Country proper.)

By: Jana Greene

Greetings from the State Capital! I am reporting from Raleigh today to share a story with you that is a little difficult to share and really quite embarrassing. But I feel transparency is important, so here it goes:

Several months ago, I made a decision to start a brand new career at 47 years of age. I didn’t think it would be too hard because I’ve kind of been doing aspects of this job for many years. It’s my passion and I badly want to succeed at it.

View original post 726 more words

Correctness or Compassion?

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I had to do it.

Well, I didn’t really.

But it was the  correct thing,

To please the system.

It did not please the pauper

Who thought I was a bitch.

That’s a good thing, right?

Because I  used to be too nice.

Sometimes you have to be hard.

But in succumbing to the system,

I lost ground on compassion

And had to fix the damage.

Was the damage a natural consequence?

Shaping the desired behavior?

Perhaps.

But Jesus would not have tried so hard to please the system.

Jesus was a rebel with compassion for the poor,

Working outside the system.

 

The wise men,

who followed the star to Bethlehem,

paid homage to the Christ child,

then went home a different way

instead of telling Herod where he was.

Did they worry about getting in trouble

with the system?

Wise Men following the star

The lessons:

When correctness conflicts with compassion,

Listen to the voice of compassion.

Forgive everyone,

including yourself,

For not being perfect.

 

 

 

The Gift of Forgiveness

Rocks

Forgiving can be really hard.

In my divorce support group 13 years ago, I learned that forgiveness is a process. For a long time, I could only pray for the willingness to forgive.  For ten years, I chipped away at the boulder of anger and resentment blocking my path.  Anger gave me a false sense of power. Anger felt safer, especially when it came to forgiving myself. I feared that forgiveness would make me vulnerable. I didn’t want make the same mistakes again. I didn’t want to be hurt again.

Progress came when I realized it was possible to forgive and still remember the lessons of taking care of myself. My goal today is to remember those lessons with compassion for myself and others. I was doing the best I knew how to do when I made my mistakes.

Forgiveness is essential to moving forward and making room for something better. Forgiveness makes room for all kinds of exciting possibilities and wonderful people to enter our lives.

“Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself.”

                                                                       Suzanne Somers

Please take a look at this beautiful video with music by Enya:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=erqJF_ppqbk

Is there someone you need to forgive?