The hardest person for me to forgive is me.

 

green, rock and feather (2)

It’s been 15 years since my sin of omission. During the rebound from hell, I wasn’t myself. I should never have been in that unhealthy relationship right after the divorce. I fell into a pit of codependence- deeper that I would have imagined possible for the strong, intelligent woman I once was.

During that year, I neglected my children. Not in the legal sense. Their basic needs were met. They were physically safe. But I should have spent more time with them instead of groping for the false sense of worth that ended up in loss of self. The sin of omission was not against my children, but against someone I never met. I did not speak up about an injustice. Granted, making things right was a long shot. I didn’t witness the injustice, and I didn’t know names. It was something I heard about that happened hundreds of miles away. I would have had to investigate. I would have had to be sneaky in asking questions. I would have jeopardized the relationship that I should not have been in in the first place. If he realized what I was trying to do, he’d be mad at me. And I knew in my gut that he and his friends were not safe. Later, I told him that knowing what had happened bothered me. The relationship ended soon after that.

God forgives people for way worse things than my sin of omission. Everything I have learned tells me that God forgives me. Why is it so hard for me to forgive myself? I’ll tell you why. Because I’m supposed to be better than that. I’m supposed to be stronger than that deer in the headlights who didn’t ask questions.

I am much stronger now. Today, I would ask questions like an undercover detective. But I wasn’t strong 15 years ago. It’s a fact that I have to accept. I was wounded, weak, and afraid – a secret train wreck.

Perhaps I can have compassion for that deer in the headlights. Compassion feels closer  than forgiveness. I have compassion for the moths that I trap in my bathroom and release outside. Why not for myself?

I’ll start with compassion. Compassion for all. Including me.

This long process of forgiveness was inched forward by this  Rumi poem I found when I was ready at https://maverickmist.com/2017/05/06/be-earth/

How should Spring bring forth a garden on hard stone?
Become earth, that you may grow flowers of many colors.
For you have been heart-breaking rock.
Once, for the sake of experiment, be earth!
Rumi

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Love and Equality

What I love about this message, from “Digital Romance,” is that it doesn’t say the other person’s happiness is more important. Sometimes it is more important, and sometimes our own happiness is more important. In a healthy relationship, it’s not always about the other person. That’s co-dependency. In a healthy relationship there is balance. We take turns. We help each other. We support each other. We listen to each other. And we listen to ourselves, too.

Love is equal

Rebound From Hell

Celebrating my independence from co-dependence with this Stream of Consciousness Saturday Post.

Anything is Possible!

socs-badge

Is it really better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all?

Well, considering the word, “never,” which I don’t like to use, then the answer would be yes. To have never loved at all, would be sad. But if we expand this question beyond romantic love, then who hasn’t loved some one or some thing?

In my post-divorce single years, trying to be cynical about love, I laughed out loud when I saw the following saying on T-shirt:

“It’s better to have loved and lost, than to live the rest of your life with a psychotic.”

I’m not saying my x husband suffered from psychosis. But my post-divorce rebound from hell probably did. Of course I didn’t know it when I met him. And neither did he. People are on their best behavior when we first meet them. And I was blinded by…

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Be Happy Now

When the time is right, child. When the time is right. Be happy now.

(Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go/ June 14: Letting Go of Timing)

I’m writing this at 11 pm on Sunday, June 14 following my plan to write and post on this blog when I feel like it. That’s part of loving me, too.

At around  5pm, my husband and I picked up a couple slices of pizza to go and headed for the beach, trying to hold on to the weekend. I’ve been longing to swim in the ocean for a couple weeks, knowing it was warm enough, but other things kept taking priority. Finally, this evening, we got there.

The water appeared almost turquoise from the beach. It was perfect for swimming: not much wave action, just cool enough on this hot day to be invigorating, and so clear, we could see our feet when immersed up to our chests.

A little later, the northeast sky reflected the pink sunset behind us, while  hints of lavender rested above the Atlantic horizon.

Sunset reflection june 14 2015 with big flat wave

I could not have asked for a better evening.

It wasn’t until we got home, just a little while ago, that I happened to pick up Melody Beattie’s book, The Language of Letting Go, Daily Meditations on Codepenency. I no longer read it every day, but there was a time when I had to, for my own survival. (This is my second copy. The first one fell apart after years of reading.)

When I read today’s meditation on letting go of timing, having faith that the things we long for will come when the time is right, I remembered how much this particular reading helped me through the lonely years – the years when I learned to have some faith.

The right partner came to me when the time was right. There are still things I hope for.   Those thing will come when the time is right too.

I am happy now.