The hardest person for me to forgive is me.

 

green, rock and feather (2)

It’s been 15 years since my sin of omission. During the rebound from hell, I wasn’t myself. I should never have been in that unhealthy relationship right after the divorce. I fell into a pit of codependence- deeper that I would have imagined possible for the strong, intelligent woman I once was.

During that year, I neglected my children. Not in the legal sense. Their basic needs were met. They were physically safe. But I should have spent more time with them instead of groping for the false sense of worth that ended up in loss of self. The sin of omission was not against my children, but against someone I never met. I did not speak up about an injustice. Granted, making things right was a long shot. I didn’t witness the injustice, and I didn’t know names. It was something I heard about that happened hundreds of miles away. I would have had to investigate. I would have had to be sneaky in asking questions. I would have jeopardized the relationship that I should not have been in in the first place. If he realized what I was trying to do, he’d be mad at me. And I knew in my gut that he and his friends were not safe. Later, I told him that knowing what had happened bothered me. The relationship ended soon after that.

God forgives people for way worse things than my sin of omission. Everything I have learned tells me that God forgives me. Why is it so hard for me to forgive myself? I’ll tell you why. Because I’m supposed to be better than that. I’m supposed to be stronger than that deer in the headlights who didn’t ask questions.

I am much stronger now. Today, I would ask questions like an undercover detective. But I wasn’t strong 15 years ago. It’s a fact that I have to accept. I was wounded, weak, and afraid – a secret train wreck.

Perhaps I can have compassion for that deer in the headlights. Compassion feels closer  than forgiveness. I have compassion for the moths that I trap in my bathroom and release outside. Why not for myself?

I’ll start with compassion. Compassion for all. Including me.

This long process of forgiveness was inched forward by this  Rumi poem I found when I was ready at https://maverickmist.com/2017/05/06/be-earth/

How should Spring bring forth a garden on hard stone?
Become earth, that you may grow flowers of many colors.
For you have been heart-breaking rock.
Once, for the sake of experiment, be earth!
Rumi

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